Despite the rough night last night I have felt decent through the day. I wouldn’t say that I feel good yet. I still have a pretty nagging nausea and I don’t feel like eating much. I was still able to get out and go sign up for the tour of Anchorage. As I have eluded to before this is the big ski race in Anchorage which I have done many times before but this year held a little extra meaning. Although it is not a year exactly from last years tour sometime we measure time by the events in our lives not just the date. At last years Tour I was working. The last day I really worked since. I knew my labs were not pretty and I had that horrid feeling something was wrong.
Brooke had signed up to do the 40 K race. I was pretty light at work and given it was the end of the week I knew my patients quite well. I breezed through the patients maybe a little quicker than I would normally. It was an oddity that I had so few patients. I took the opportunity though to get out and race over to the finish to watch Brooke. I got to Kincaid and out onto the trail just to catch her come up the last climb. She was struggling a little but to me she looked beautiful. She was still the healthy beautifully attractive 18 year old I used to watch race in Colorado. I was amazed that after almost 13 years, two kids, a career, and dealing with me she could look so vibrant. That is what finishing a race like this can do. It is rejuvenating.
Through out this past year I have hoped that I could make it to this race again. I will openly admit that foolishly I felt like I could make it to the race and even do it. This last week I have really questioned if I can or even should do it. Sometimes nature does provide an answer though. The Tour has only ever been canceled one time before but the rapid warming over the last week was pretty rough on our snow. Although the race has not been cancelled it was drastically shortened. This makes it seem a bit like I am not really getting the full effect of doing the event but at least I will participate.
I doubt the race will have quite the same meaning as I had hoped. The finish is in a different spot than I envisioned through the last year. Maybe it is just like my life though. I don’t know where I will end up. The ending is never scripted. The truth is I think that I have envisioned the perfect ending so many times to this race that it must happen sometime. Just not this year. I guess that means I just have to wait until next year. Maybe I will just keep pushing it out a little further so that I know I have something to look forward to. Eitherway, tomorrow Brooke is going to escort me on a shortened race, 26 K, it won’t be the planned event but I will enjoy it just because I will be with her.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.