365 days later

To almost the minute, 365 days ago, Brooke and I got out of Toni’s car and walked into the airport bound for Seattle. I had know for about 6 hours that I had Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. I knew that the chance I would be sitting in my own bed writing a year later was (according to the literature) 15 percent. That was a pretty sobering and tear provoking thought given the fact that I had just kissed my 2 and 5 year old boys goodnight.

As I walked into the airport I could not even fathom the year I would face. I have had so many experiences and emotions which I will never forget, could hardly imagine, would wish on no one and hope I will not have to face again. I do know at the moment I walked into the airport I had begun a journey down a rough path, as I have come to realize, a canyon of fear and anxiety really. There is no way to look at this last year and think it was fun. Even today as I sat and read the first journal entry from a year ago tomorrow I can feel the sense of loss.

I am not the person I was. I have come to accept this. Although I am fighting to regain much of my previous self I know I will never be the same. The feelings and realizations of the year flood back to me at moments notice and I can only close my eyes, move forward and deal with what I have been given. What I have been given though is something I would never have imagined. I can reflect better on what is important, I can feel the support of thousands of people, I can and have accepted life. I am not afraid of death but I like it here and I am so thankful that I have had this year to see and feel the support of all who care for me.

I haven’t written enough thank you notes, I haven’t given enough hugs, I haven’t mentioned everyone who has bouyed me even for a moment but I think you all know I am forever indebted to your kindness. I don’t know how I will walk away from my daily posts just yet. I don’t know if I can. It has become a part of me and your thoughts have become a source of my strength. I will keep writing on the new blog site at dudleyhuhs.wordpress.com. I am not sure it will be the same though. Maybe I have lost some of the edge but if it means being healthier again I don’t need it.

A year can be a long time. There are moments of this year I am still stuck in and not sure I will ever get out of. Yet, I have managed to make it this far. The N of 1 is still moving forward yet I couldn’t have done it with out the large number of supporters and the one someone who gave me a chance at life again. I thank you all for this past year and wishing with me that it wasn’t my last year. I still get to hug my kids and kiss my wife, I am still happy, I am still alive. Onward I go 365 days later.

Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure. 


8 thoughts on “365 days later

  1. Congratulations Matt, believe you made it. The group of little “old ladies” is still praying for you and your family and we will continue to do so. Hope you continue to post, as your progress has been a blessing to us too.

  2. i’m sitting here in steamboat having just arrived. Ben is coaching his last day at howelson. his kids are at dance and violin lessons. The boat is melting, grass is showing on the lawns, a bit of mud here and there. dead silence, no wind. a typical warming up day…. Mt. Werner is of course still outlined with snow trails… When it starts to warm up the snow melts faster than any other place i’ve ever lived in Colorado. Hope you adjust to the new sight easily…and I hope the anxiety of what is next will dissipate with better labs and the return of the sun .
    Joanie Barbier

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