To almost the minute, 365 days ago, Brooke and I got out of Toni’s car and walked into the airport bound for Seattle. I had know for about 6 hours that I had Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. I knew that the chance I would be sitting in my own bed writing a year later was (according to the literature) 15 percent. That was a pretty sobering and tear provoking thought given the fact that I had just kissed my 2 and 5 year old boys goodnight.
As I walked into the airport I could not even fathom the year I would face. I have had so many experiences and emotions which I will never forget, could hardly imagine, would wish on no one and hope I will not have to face again. I do know at the moment I walked into the airport I had begun a journey down a rough path, as I have come to realize, a canyon of fear and anxiety really. There is no way to look at this last year and think it was fun. Even today as I sat and read the first journal entry from a year ago tomorrow I can feel the sense of loss.
I am not the person I was. I have come to accept this. Although I am fighting to regain much of my previous self I know I will never be the same. The feelings and realizations of the year flood back to me at moments notice and I can only close my eyes, move forward and deal with what I have been given. What I have been given though is something I would never have imagined. I can reflect better on what is important, I can feel the support of thousands of people, I can and have accepted life. I am not afraid of death but I like it here and I am so thankful that I have had this year to see and feel the support of all who care for me.
I haven’t written enough thank you notes, I haven’t given enough hugs, I haven’t mentioned everyone who has bouyed me even for a moment but I think you all know I am forever indebted to your kindness. I don’t know how I will walk away from my daily posts just yet. I don’t know if I can. It has become a part of me and your thoughts have become a source of my strength. I will keep writing on the new blog site at dudleyhuhs.wordpress.com. I am not sure it will be the same though. Maybe I have lost some of the edge but if it means being healthier again I don’t need it.
A year can be a long time. There are moments of this year I am still stuck in and not sure I will ever get out of. Yet, I have managed to make it this far. The N of 1 is still moving forward yet I couldn’t have done it with out the large number of supporters and the one someone who gave me a chance at life again. I thank you all for this past year and wishing with me that it wasn’t my last year. I still get to hug my kids and kiss my wife, I am still happy, I am still alive. Onward I go 365 days later.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.