Although I will keep writing here I feel some pretty raw emotion moving on from CaringBridge. A good moment but a little sad to be leaving what has become an awkward friend. Maybe my new cyberspot will be as loved. The following is hopefully my last Caringbridge post…
Of all the posts I have written few have been as hard and as so truly enjoyable. Most of the year the posts which have been difficult to write were because something was going wrong, or I was scared, or I was worried I might offend someone. The enjoyable ones were these little moments where I thought I might be gaining ground on my healthy or came up with something I found insightful. Now I am just sort of at a lack of words.
I am not overly tired, it’s not to late, I just don’t know how to close this chapter. There are no words which can express my gratitude to the people who followed along this entire year. I can’t quantify what the ritual of writing and reading the comments has provided me. I can’t repay Caringbridge the value which I have accumulated from the site. I can’t believe that I will just walk away from the cyber spot which we have created.
I will though.
This morning I woke up in my own bed, Brooke was not separated by the 10 feet of the hospital room, but by Finn. The view was not of Seattle but of the trees in my backyard. The sound was not that white noise of the hospital but the creaking of my home and the breath of my family. The warmth came from the love of everyone who has supported and not the inner flight or fight of fever. I move forward, not sure exactly what lies ahead but I know where I have been. I am proud, lucky, and excited to be headed this way.
Thank you all for bearing this burden with me. My suffering, my pain, my growth, my life is all better because of you. May you all be as lucky and loved as I feel. I am Head Up and Heart Strong and I have more life to live.
It is hard to hit post. I am full of tears…happy and alive.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.