Advancing despite not doing much.

I probably could have done more with my day but I have to admit as I sit here watching a spring sunset of pink, yellow, white and blue fading away behind Susitna, the Sleeping Lady, I am content. I didn’t get a whole lot done of consequence today but I realize some days I just don’t need to. When I used to have these sort of days I would sort of kick myself at the end of the day. I would wonder why didn’t I do more or accomplish something. Maybe what I didn’t realize is that despite not carrying out acts which resulted in a product or an improvement I did live.

I saw a lot of people today, if only briefly, I have not seen in a long time. I had to go to the hospital for a meeting and I must have seen 6 nurses whom I know paid attention to what I was going through. I didn’t have enough time to stop and talk to them all but I was able to say hi and acknowledge that small feeling of excitement when you see someone you know has been struggling. I also did have a few conversations which are always refreshing as every time I describe where I am at on this journey I can see the progress.

I also had a few simple moments which I now find so much more fulfilling. I got that “I love you daddy” from Liam as he jumped out of the car and confidently headed off to school. I enjoyed my upside down hug Finn giggles so much about giving me as I drop him off. I strolled with Gayle as we went to pick Finn up. I watched both the Grandmas laugh at the antics of Finn and Keta (Ian and Anne’s puppy) playing in the afternoon sun of our backyard. I swam in the excitement of the boys getting ready to go to soccer. I couldn’t stop smiling watching Finn dance and Liam skip through practice.  To end it all a few quite cuddles with each of them. Even if I didn’t accomplish anything I enjoyed doing it and that is what counts.

I did have a moment of true wonder though as I watched the boys at soccer. I looked around at the large number of parents around. I was taken aback by the sheer number (all of them except 2 out of maybe 40) fixated, not on their children but on their phones. I will admit that I did answer one call during the hour practice and so maybe I caught everyone else at the wrong moment. Still, I couldn’t help but feeling like if I had a megaphone right then I would like to shout “watch your children because you don’t know if you will get to again and they are far more entertaining than an email, facebook or a fail video!” My guess is that most parents were able to pry their attention away from the screen for a few moments to gander on the kids. Don’t get me wrong. I am glad the parents had their kids out there, far better than those with the kids at home fixated on another screen. Still I felt like I (and of course Gayle because she was trained in the old Jedi way of kid rearing) weren’t lying when we told Liam and Finn that we really enjoyed watching them. We actually did watch them.

One conversation I had today with Dr. Rust our esteemed Palliative Care physician at Providence was about how crazy it is that we often have to learn from such extreme situations as leukemia. I don’t know if I would have been as interested in watching the boys had I not spent the last year wondering if I would ever see them play soccer. I want to think though that I would have. I probably would have been less tickled by their lackadaisical attitudes but I believe I would have watched them. So if I did learn this joy because of my rocky journey then it was worth it (sort of). I am glad. Just as I am glad that although I didn’t advance my objectives in the world today I did progress…on to tomorrow, where maybe I will get something done or maybe not. 

Enjoy your day.

Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.



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