Emotions can be so random. The thought unto itself is enough to conjure up in anyone’s mind the image or feeling of wonder at an emotion an its origin. There are times when for no reason we can feel sad or happy, upbeat or beat down, carefree or cautious for no apparent reason. Of course there are always moments in life in which we can pinpoint the exact cause of our emotion. There are highlights and low lights and all those moments in between where the actions of the world exert enough force to trigger our minds to action one way or the other. Yet, there are so many times when for no reason, or at least clear cut reason, our emotions seem to get the best of us. I am not talking of the times for instance when you feel a tear well up at a sappy commercial. I am eluding to those moments when for no reason you feel like you are walking on air yet nothing good has happened (maybe something good is about to happen). The time when although everything seems right in the world your heart is still heavy (maybe something sad is about to happen). The time when for no reason you just can’t seem to understand your outward opinion to the world.
I would be willing to bet that even the coolest customer or cat have found themselves at one time or another a bit out of sorts. The moment when the brain does its own thing. I can think of lots of times in my life where I wonder what the heck was going on up there. I am not talking of the times we can reflect and say “man that was a poor choice.” More I am thinking of that moment when someone mentions “hey your in a good mood” or “why you being an ass” when you didn’t even consider either of the extremes. I had one of those moments today.
The day was good, another sunny chilly northern spring day. I know we often use the derogatory “Indian summer” in the fall but there isn’t a spring equivalent as far as I know so I am not sure how to describe this amazing run of sun and cool temperatures which have lead to fast skiing (of which I am partaking daily) and afternoon bike rides through puddles. The fact is this spring has been by far the greatest I have experienced in Alaska, at least for the activities I prefer. So it seems that with my relative health, my wonderful family time, the skiing, the sun, and the lack of work related stress I should be pretty happy or at least content. Yet, this afternoon after having collected the boys and the arrival of Brooke at home as we prepared for soccer practice I found myself quite grouchy. I was a bit snappy with Brooke and I found myself raising my voice a bit to much at the boys (some voice raising is a necessity given the lack of time between after school russian, dinner, and soccer practice with two young wandering minds).
Brooke did politely comment on my unneeded snarling which did bring it to my attention. Her gentle plea did not illicit any marked improvement. Lucky for her she was only home for a short time before joining Adinda for a evening ski of their own. She was pleasant and probably did the best thing my ignoring my unneeded brashness. The boys didn’t really seem to care as they were in a pre soccer frenzy. I however was clearly bothered by some errant brain activity which seemed to be blocking the good vibes of my recent life. When I reflect back on the couple hours of disgruntled attitude I can find no real cause or reason. As hinted at above, I close my eyes and, hope a little hope it is not some inclination of near future unhappiness. The rest of the night was smooth so far. Brooke isn’t home yet so as I write I get a little anxious to put in print that thought (yes, I am a bit superstitious when it comes to counting unhatched eggs). I can’t even blame my whacky brain on cancer or the meds right now as I feel pretty decent.
Maybe the truth is that occasionally our brains just need a break from our planned course. This is likely the reason for vacation or recreation, or inebriation. I would think that with my ability to ski daily I would buy that break but maybe that too has become routine for me.I admit that I occasionally miss the inebriation, especially while on vacation but that will just have to wait. I would like to think after a year of routinely being angry at the hand I was dealt I have created a new activity for my brain… also unlikely as I am positive I could caught grouchy before Leukemia. One thing is new though since last March, at the end of the day when I sit down to write and reflect, I often realize that despite all the shit that comes along with AML I am pretty lucky. Lucky to tuck the boys in after reading to them, lucky to cook and eat dinner with my family, lucky to splash through cold puddles with giggling kids, lucky to hang in the snowy sunny park with friends, lucky to ski without passing out, lucky to wake up with Brooke in the early sunny northern chill, lucky to feel emotion in my life even if it is a bit random.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure