Whatever we face

Lazy days do not seem to be happening for me all that often anymore. Last year at this time I was lounging around a lot. Wondering what soccer game to watch, watching golf, reading a bit, walking in the park. Too bad I was also right in the middle of chemo and wondering if I would even be here by now back then. I think I prefer the way today was mellow. I am not really overly stressed by cancer (still not fun either way to think about it), I didn’t have a lot of commitments I was worried about. I got up leisurely, had breakfast with the boys and went for a daddy-jour (similar to ski jouring only Finn is hooked to me and I drag him around the hills of Kincaid). Brooke joined us while Liam hung out with Grandma Toni getting ready for his school celebration of Maslenitsa (the Russian welcoming of spring or goodbye to winter). 

After the ski I helped Brooke get some goodies over to the celebration but I wasn’t really allowed to go given the crowds in a smallish gym and the amount of viral illnesses floating around town lately. I would have liked to have gone as I missed it last year but I would much rather not get sick. I am sure Liam will have some good stories for me. Finn was quite excited to go as well. Instead I got to hang out and get caught up on emails and my neglected registration for the Medicine X conference. I spent some more time looking through the program for the conference and it looks like it will be pretty informative. With the amount of very talented, productive and brilliant people signed up to talk I find it a bit overwhelming that I will even be asked to give a short speech. I still haven’t figured out exactly what to talk about. I think about it quite frequently. I just don’t know how to narrow my experience of the last year down into some poignant point to be given in 5-7 minutes.

Brooke asked me today while we were discussing the cost what I thought I would get out of this coming experience. I told her I didn’t really know. This feeling is not something I am used to facing but I guess that is why the conference seems like an experience to partake in. I guess I don’t really hope to achieve anything with my participation and more to just see what sort of new ideas can come out of such a conference. I think I will in my short speech focus on how much of an impact communication can have on a patient. Not the traditional doctor to patient or patient to caregiver communication but the power of strength, support, and healing which can come from talking more openly about a health struggle. I hope I can highlight that having this new media and ability to communicate with so many people can ease that sense of aloneness when as a patient you are suffering through a tough time. The fact that suffering carried by many supporters really does make the burden of being a patient lighter.

With those thoughts I realize that I did not explain my lack of posting last night. Although I still feel some obligation to write it seems to be waning more overtime. I also find myself spending more time trying to think positive thoughts about the friends and families I am following on Caringbridge these days which seem to keep my perspective and self pining to a lull. Last night though we had a wonderful night of hanging out with Llyod and Ulyanna as the girls cooked Borscht for Maslenitsa today. Llyod and I just sat around chatting. The kids seemed to entertain themselves with only a few needed interventions. By the time we finished it was well into the night and after calming the boys down I was exhausted. I had enough time to check on a few people I am following on Caringbridge, tell my new cells to leave my liver alone and I was off to dreamerville.

I have really had a pretty wonderful week. Busy and exciting for good reasons. Every now and then I look back at what I wrote a year ago and still can’t believe what was going on. I really do cherish each of these extra days I have had since then where I feel good. I know full well there may be tougher times again in the future but enjoying now is as obvious to me now as when I was in the heart of the battle last year. I hope we can all continue to revel in the moments we are given, not fearing what is ahead and reflecting kindly on what is behind no matter how bleak it was because we are finding the time to live and enjoy what ever we face.

Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.




One thought on “Whatever we face

  1. Matt can you boil it down to a few choice nuggets that were major AHA moments for you on the process, that as a physician surprised you?

    Maybe the initial gut reaction of the news delivered a year ago that changed your life and how it differed from when you delivered gut wrenching news before you knew how it personally felt? What will you do differently when you return to practice.

    Im sure it happened more than you cared to have it happen, but pick the doodies and perhaps a couple of subtle ones. Regardless, the top 5 that struck you.

    Will you change thd way you deliver info as a result? Will you insure uour patients get something you might not have thought pertinent before?

    HuHS Always!

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