So I sat down to write tonight and I opened an email from a very powerful and close supporter. Her husband has a terminal cancer and she asked me what my thoughts about his situation were and what he may expect. I think I am rusty as a physician. I could have written for hours about what I think based on what I have learned through my career and through this experience of the past year. My most sage advice boiled down to talking about the end of life so we are more accepting. I proceeded to then write a whole post on the constructs of my beliefs and the thoughts of end of life which sweep through my head and my plans daily. After awhile of writing I decided I could not get the wording right to convey any sort of point. I was rambling in my own mind. I was building cases for arguments which I do not want to start because I know there is no ending them. Instead I simply saved the peak into construction site for some other day.
I worried a lot today about my labs and what is going on in my liver. I don’t have an answer. It angers me. I found myself for the first time in a long time looking at someone randomly and being angry at them. She was a lady driving a big ass Alaskan truck, who rolled most of the way through a stop sign, smoking a cigarette, with gun stickers all over the truck and likely a little kid in the crew cab. I was coming home from exercising and caring for my body. I thought to myself why me and not her. That was wrong no matter which way I frame it. I can be mad but it shouldn’t be directed at anyone. I think this is why is put the writing I did away also. I don’t want to hurt or damage another persons beliefs. We all have our own way through this world and although I tend to illuminate my pathway it should not mean I steal energy to light it from others.
I wrote enough tonight without saying much so I will leave it there. Be nice to each other, thinking highly or positively of someone can only be good right?
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.
The energy for my light