The sun continues to shine which has made enjoying the days here quite easy. Today despite the sun though my mind was a bit dark and stormy. My labs look about the same and so the stability was a bit reassuring but my liver enzymes are still markedly elevated despite the immunosuppression. Also yesterday my tongue, yes my tongue, started irritating me and when I showed Brooke her medical training was a bit absent as she was like”ohh God!” It actually isn’t that bad it looks like the normal fissures are much larger and there is a dark hair on the tongue. It is likely this is just a little bacterial overgrowth from the immunosuppression but it could be GVHD as well. Once again on more mystery of my body which hinges on either the meds not fully working or the meds causing some side effect. Obviously this constant tug of war in my mind is not very pleasant.
The other reason for my cloudy demeanor is that Jim is back doing my job. I always feel so lazy when he comes back to do this for me. I know that if I could do it in the future I would do the same for Finn or Liam but it doesn’t make it easier. I am so grateful that he is doing it. I really would like it to be easy but learning any new system is always a bit tricky. Today he started at St. Elias hospital and had a couple very tricky patients which made his day quite long and made my worry about him grow. He was still smiling after he rode his bike home tonight though so I will take it as a positive sign that he will get this rotation figured out also.
Tomorrow I hope the sun continues to shine. I am sure I will continue to be a bit gloomy as I have an appointment to discuss what Dr. Liu thinks we should do about these nagging issues of the liver. Having been in his spot I feel bad forcing my opinion on him but I really feel like I want an answer even though there may be no way to ascertain such. I guess I have to trust what ever we come up with. My hope is that it may lead to some more definitive solutions which I can start coping with. I guess though that is cancer and it’s aftermath. I will always be coping. I just hope I can cope calmly.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.