I walked into the store today to grab a few items for dinner and right as I came in there was a display for the first real run of fresh corn up here in the north land. Despite being from Colorado I am by no means a farmer and do not know when corn is in season other than around summer time. This is the first I have seen in Alaska this year and I was a little excited. Now I am not a farmer but I do like good corn and I know that we usually do not get the finest corn up here but this bunch looked pretty good. I thought it would be a fun addition to the dinner plan. I grabbed a bag and started to pick out some of the better looking ears when I suddenly realized there was no way Liam could eat this with his current lack of front teeth. I started replacing the ears and kind of chuckled to myself.
Later in the night I told Liam the story to see what he thought. I was actually not as amused. He felt he could have eaten it with a side mouth approach. Brooke and I sort of doubted this. We were also a little taken aback by how messy he was at eating tonight as well. He has never been a really clean eater but I think the gaping hole in his front wall is making it more difficult. I also noticed he was whistling some words. I find it cute and very kid like although his face after some watermelon was not an attractive site.
As I sat down to write tonight I thought about the corn irony and how it is a little metaphor for my life right now. Dealing with leukemia this last year has really made me look at every moment a bit different. Although I am not perfect I do see more joy in little things. I have always maintained I was really happy before and felt very lucky to have had the life I had. Since March 2013 though some of the material aspects of life seem less important and the less tangible sensations loom larger. I have really come to cherish every moment I have with the boys. Brooke and I have our moments of strife but there is no one else I would rather hang out with right now. The interaction with my parents and brothers has been renewed and friendships seem more weighty to me now than before. I have always been grateful for the feeling of health but over the last 2 months feeling good is better than winning the lottery.
The problem is that all this realization and accepting the good moments seems so tenuous still. Every week when I look at my labs and I see all the red (bad) numbers it is sort of like seeing corn on the cob without two front teeth. I get this let down feeling which is clearly irony. I have been given this chance to see everything in such a fantastic light which makes the possibility of loosing it almost worse than it was a year ago when I was blindsided by leukemia. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful to nature and medicine for giving me this time and I hope there is much more. Those moments when the labs loom over me are tough though. I am not cured yet. I still have a ways to go before I can even really think this is behind me. Maybe that is the difference between the lost front teeth and this situation; I don’t think I will ever grow back that feeling of pure health and safety while Liam will get his teeth back. I guess I better just listen to Liam and try the side mouth approach, or maybe I could just get a knife, but I think his idea sounds more fun and that is what life is about.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.