Profound tiredness

Being tired is something I have never had a problem with. I have always been rather full of energy and when I got tired I could usually carve out a little time to catch some sleep. I never felt like I got to far behind. Even as a medical student or resident I seemed to be able to stay on top of it. As a kid I don’t think I was difficult when requested to take a nap or go to bed. Although I guess I would have to leave that call to Jim and Gayle. Liam may have some of the ability to sense his own waning energy. Finn, however, refuses to sleep even when he knows he is exhausted.

I bring this up because recently I have been trying to cut out the routine napping I had become accustomed too over the last year. Granted for a good portion of the year, especially in the hospital and while dealing with the BK virus, my amount of sleep even with frequent naps was no where near what I needed. In the last two months though I think I have been doing better with sleeping at night and so I have been pushing myself to keep going in the afternoons. Given the fact that school ends tomorrow and I will have no more kid free time I have also been trying to get ahead on any projects I can.

The pushing myself and the combination of a recent upper respiratory virus seems to be catching up to me. Last night for the second time in about a week I couldn’t stay up long enough to write or even relax. I felt horrible and when I laid down I found myself immediately falling asleep. I did manage to wake up a little later in the evening to take my meds but that was all. 

The feeling of being tired is something I used to enjoy really. The feeling usually came with having accomplished something or some activity. I usually could look back and state that I was glad to feel rundown because I knew I had a story or some mental reward for my activity. Thus, lately the overwhelming tiredness seems rather useless and has me a little down. I know there are likely legitimate reasons which aren’t horribly scary, like viruses, no immune system, immunosuppressant drugs, lack of stamina from a year of illness, and doing all the house chores I used to entrust to Brooke. Yet, I do always get a little worried some other nasty cause is lurking out there. I have to remind myself I really didn’t feel bad when I got diagnosed with Leukemia and so therefore the more benign causes are more likely. 

I guess though this constant reflection on what is right and wrong in my body has a much more profound edge to it now. I used to be able to just shrug stuff off and think I would bounce back from whatever it was which ailed me. Now the blade of destruction seems so much more sharp and poised. I believe I have learned to cope with this sinister menace relatively well. I guess I should keep a keener sense for what I feel though. Maybe I should revert to more naps, more snoozing the day away? Of course then I might miss out on some little moment I could have otherwise enjoyed. I think I will keep on pushing. I can deal with the occasional overwhelming tiredness.

Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.

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