The rain and normal temperatures of Alaskan summer have returned to Anchorage, at least for today and the near future. Liam and Finn were a little bit bonkers about the change and were all to game to get out there rain gear which was stuffed away in school backpacks from use a month ago. The amazing run of warm sunny weather was nice but the steady drizzle of the morning visibly improved the air quality which had steadily been worsening from pollen and smoke. We spent the morning enjoying the normal flow of traffic on the bike trails around town which I hate to say was a nice relief from the hoards of people who had also been enjoying the trails lately. Our wet and somewhat cold ride was enjoyable though and was punctuated by some wet slides and dirty sand digging at a local park.
The last few days of sun has been fun but exhausting leading to my early exits to bed. The immunosuppression seems to be sapping my energy a little. We finished a bunch of little outdoor projects and had a great morning yesterday with Jim and the boys mountain biking at Kincaid. I finished the little shed project I had been spending too much time on. I spent some time in the afternoon talking to the boys about what Memorial day was about. I think they are still to young to really understand but trying to teach them can’t hurt. I often think about my struggles and realize that the difficulty is really pretty selfish compared to others who suffered and toiled for the beliefs of so many others. I am sometimes saddened by my country’s inability to think rationally, although my rationally may clearly be different than others. Either way Memorial day should be a nod towards those who sacrificed just so I could hold my views.
Speaking of my views I have been struggling the last few days, weeks really with trying to understand my future. My labs this week still showed a problematic liver and little improvement in the numbers even with my higher doses of immunosuppression. This is obviously a bit disheartening for my bid to return to work. Evidently, Brooke has been hearing more questions about couldn’t I jsut move on to something else? I have thought a lot about that but I am always sickened by thinking of some other possible career. I have made it clear before that I really loved being a doctor. To think of not being in that role is really troubling. I do realize I am going on over a year now since I last walked out of the hospital not a patient. One of my biggest fears through this ordeal is I wouldn’t walk back into that role. As time lingers on that fear is looming larger. I have really tussled with the fact that I feel good and although I understand the risk involved in returning, no one can give me a reasonable explanation of why I shouldn’t other than the fear of exposure to illness. This is where I wish I could hear from or find someone who was in a similar situation and could tell me the experience of stepping into that line of fire.
The fact that I can’t find someone like that is partly do to my inability to search them out appropriately I guess, but it also may be do to the idea that my wish to go back to the work I enjoy is just crazy. I have to believe there are other immunosuppressed health care workers out there. I guess they just aren’t as vocal about it as I am. Maybe that is what I need to be. Less vocal and just start testing the waters. It is crazy to think I would have to do think so rashly in a world as social as ours. Maybe my talking about the frustration will spark some comments. Who knows. Until it does I guess I just have to keep on hanging with my family and dealing with the weather.