Another couple days of tasks around the house and lots of time contemplating what I am going to do with the future I have been granted. Although I have no idea how long that future is (obviously none of us do, the chance mine is going to be shorter makes is more valuable) I am struggling still with the balance of planning ahead and living for the now. My philosopher friend, Robbie Cant laughingly pointed out that I would likely have traded this concern for what I faced last year at this time. The thought is very true and never far from my mind but none the less the coping with new fears of I may live and what do I do are looming larger. Right beside that scaffolded building of concern is the crumbling building of my current liver issues. Together these unstable structures make the street I find myself on quite ominous.
Despite these growing shadows and my realization that depression has seeded itself squarely on my shoulders I do seem to keep getting through the days. We are lucky enough to be worrying about everyday issues as well. Brooke and I spent the last few days trying to pawn Finn off so we could do a little work on our Duplex for a new renter. Finn was actually quite a little helper one afternoon with some tight plumbing, the picture of him under the sink above doesn’t do his cuteness justice. I have taken Finn on one of our running/mountain biking adventures with only a single Moose encouter, no mother calf moose sightings or bears as our last few excursions. I have been able to catch some of the World Cup soccer which has always been entertaining. The images of the world enjoying the beautiful game has a little edge to it as I had really hoped a little over a year ago to take the family to the party in Brazil. I guess I will just have to wait a few more years.
The idea that I could wait though is unto itself a pleasant idea. There are many other small moments through the day which are helping me shrug the depressive weight of Leukemia and GVHD. Hearing Liam tell us about him and Nico learning that boats tied to non tide mobile material can result in sinking of vessels when the tide gets high was funny (the pictures were entertaining, check out Brooke’s facebook for an image). Watching Finn make new friends at the park was stimulating. Hearing Brooke talk about her soccer game brought such a normalcy to the evening discussion. But the little moments like finding Finn (second picture above) cashed out on the couch after a day of friends and fun reminds me more than anything that I still have a lot to be happy for. The exuberance of youth will eventually wipe you out but you know after you get a nap and make it through the groggy wake up you will feel better. Hopefully in time for the party. I can only wish I am going through the grouchy wake up phase.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.