Often times in this latest phase of my life I have been forced to look at, enjoy, and really revel in the little aspects of life we so often forget about as our days are filled with larger seemingly more important concerns. At times, I am glad I have the chance to look around and appreciate at a more intimate level with life than I used to. Other times I can get a little frustrated by the fact I am not accomplishing more at this time in my life. Still other times I feel like my new found magnification of the little moments is dragging me down in minutia.
I would say the majority of the time I am still extraordinarily happy I am around to just experience life. I realized the other day I still miss a lot of little moments. I realized this when I suddenly noticed I was missing a little orange wristband which said “marrow for Matt”. I think it had only been off my wrist for a short time, maybe a day. It had started slipping off every now and then a few weeks ago. I think it was just getting worn out. What was interesting is that I had wore it for over a year and I don’t even remember where it came from. I mean I know it came from one of the bone marrow drives my wife and friends had put on before I got my transplant. I am pretty sure it was Jocelyn who actually gave it to me. I think she gave it to me in the midst of the short spell of pain and narcotic induced sleepiness of my acute liver failure last summer. I can’t remember the moment though and that always irks me a little because it was a special thing. It signified all the work and love and care that my friends had for me. I know that is why I wore it diligently. It never came off more than a second until the day a few weeks ago.
To tell the truth I don’t know where it went. I think I had another one around my medications and I put that one on but it may be the same one. I bring this up because I felt like for a few minutes when I realized it was gone I had let that group of supporters down a little. A small moment yes. Yet, a small moment of concern none the less. When I slipped the bracelet back on I felt right again. The moment rapidly faded and I thought to myself, I should write about that. I didn’t though. Not until now. A few weeks later. Although I have seemingly more free time than ever in my life I still can’t seem to get everything I need to done. Maybe it is that I am less efficient or maybe just lazier. Maybe I just overthink more now than I used to. Most likely what I really need to do now in my progression is to find a new balance between getting big things done with savoring the little ones.
I hate cancer. I really hate leukemia. I did however really have to reflect on life and maybe now the reflecting needs to be more of an occasional activity and less of a primary activity. I still like reflecting though on these little joys I think we should all take a little time for that.