I don’t know why some days I seem to have more emotional swings. I know this has happened to me numerous times over the last year. Some of these episodes are clearly sparked by the overwhelming randomness of how my body reacts to the cells which I was gifted. I think occasionally my mind seems to really realize that the blood carting all my needed nutrients around aren’t the same fellows who used to do deliveries. At those moments my brain seems to alert and I am just tear struck by the feeling.
I am so lucky to be alive and I know it. Some of these emotional moments are simply the realization of this. There are times when I just have to shake my head in wild wonder about if all this is really true. Leukemia? Stem cell transplant? Holy crap. Even a year later it feels dream ( nightmare) like.
The best flood of tears comes when I watch the boys just being happy or goofy, being in the quiet presence of Brooke or when I get to do some activity I never thought I would do again.
Just as I write I was overcome with some watery eyes. I spent the morning taking the boys dipneting. Watching them scramble with large smiles amongst the rocks and river was thrilling. Brooke with her watchful eye may have been a bit more appropriately concerned. We did not get many fish but the fact I got to take them is reward enough. Now I sit by the trampoline as the kids jump to the 90’s dance theme anthem Jump Around by House of Pain. We are clothed in rain gear which is slowly being removed as the drizzle has cleared. Just being in this spot at this time though has my tear ducts making up for the clearing rain.
I know everyone’s day is not as pleasant as mine so far. I know as I speak my mom, one of the pillars of my team of strength is starting her recovery from another back surgery. I hope that she knows some of my years today are for her. I wish her a speedy recovery and I hope all my support team can send her a little good karma.
I hope we all can enjoy some part of today. I hope the moments aren’t as emotionally stimulating as mine. Well I guess I would like you all to relish the feeling of life as much as I have today.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.