Three days of not posting is the longest I have gone in 18 months. I can remember a few months back when I started feeling like two days wasn’t an extended period of time not to update my cyber world on what my status was. My true feeling is this slow step back is a movement towards a more normal life for me. This is not to say that posting or blogging is not normal. In fact I really like the fact that I have been able to do this throughout my trials of the last year. What I mean is there is a returning to the feeling that I do not have a crowd of people looking in on my progress daily.
In many ways this is a bit disheartening. I don’t really feel any less loved or cared for but I do feel a bit of a lack of connection to all those who took such an interest, for those who really did wish me well and especially those whom sent good thoughts my way. At the same time so many of those wonderful souls need to direct their attention elsewhere and I completely understand. Some continue to still worry with me, wish me well, and take interest even though they have other pressing issues which makes giving up the writing altogether a really difficult thought. For this reason I don’t really plan on it any time soon. The gaps between writing though may seem to be growing slightly larger.
The returning towards my previous life will still take a long time. In fact I am pretty sure it will never be the same. I have talked so frequently of that loss of naivety about my health and own personal mortality. I think we all understand we will some day die but to have that thrust on us in our prime is a bit unfortunate. I have grown from it though I believe. Still the march back toward where I want to be has clearly made some progress. I was tentatively cleared to work again which has been a big empty box on my wish list for awhile. So after our trip back home I went right to trying to get my privileges at the hospitals taken off of the leave of absence status. As a loyal following of readers has positions in these offices it was nice to see them in person and know they are clearly looking out for me.
One highlight of the day on Monday was taking the boys with me to the Medical staff office at Providence where the two of them brought the office to a standstill. The work stoppage was not due to the boys being rambunctious but rather realizing these wonderful ladies would listen with wide eyes and smiles to the boys ramble on about their trip to Seattle. Eventually I had to corral them out the door still talking or else my request for privileges would still be sitting there flapping from the boys jabbering. It was great to see the boys so verbose though with relative strangers to them when they can often be so shy. I suppose some of that comes from the friendly attitude for the crew there.
Otherwise we have spent a good deal of time playing with our long lost (only a week for Finn, and 3 weeks for Liam) toys. I guess in the mind and world of a child though that is a long time. We have been catching up on some sleep which is why last night I could not write as I was sound asleep by 9 oclock. We had not returned home until after midnight and I was up on Monday to get my routine labs. I still have to watch my kidney function as they really do not like being dry with the cyclosporine on board. They are still a bit tenuous but functioning. It is funny how the act of the early Monday morning labs has become so routine for me. I hope that if my numbers continue to stabilize that will be the next step in my return to a more routine week of a year ago, no more induced blood loss.
Realistically the next step will actually be going back to work. It looks like I will take a real run at it Friday night. I am a bit nervous about what I will actually face. More over I am just nervous about how I will react finally being back on the physician side of the equation. I guess I will never really be fully back on that side. I hope that my ongoing journey helps me provide some improved care to whom ever I will get to take care of. The ability to use this rocky trail and all the lessons learned will really be sign of a return to life, for that is what it is all about… learning from our journey. We leave home with the hopes of returning more educated, more cultured, more successful, and mostly more understanding of the world around us. I am not sure I have yet found how to direct all I have experienced to improve the care or guidance I can give others. I do know for sure that somethings just happen though. When we return to where ever we want to be we are changed even if we seem the same.
I am changed. This I know.
Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.