A new sound is floating through our house these days. Actually, I guess floating is a rather kind way of saying it, Liam has started taking violin lessons. Well, he says fiddle lessons but I am not exactly sure what he is doing qualifies as either. None the less the sound is impressive to say the least. He is excited about it but only for short burst of time. Despite the fact that the screeching noises can be a bit distracting I will have to admit that I am mildly impressed by him. After one lesson he has already been able to change the fingernail to chalkboard like noise into a few more rosy sounds. I am also impressed because neither Brooke nor I really posses any musical talent and therefore have not been as encouraging as we should be towards our kids learning instruments. I think there are clearly times my realism about life can be a hindrance. I often wish I could convince the boys that Brooke and i do have some musical ability and they to can tap into it but I often feel for them in that it is fairly unlikely that nature has randomly smiled upon them with the ability to make instruments sound pleasing.

I also noted today for the first time since returning to work that horrible feeling that every doctor eventually faces of giving a patient to much water from the fountain of truth. I have a very difficult case which has come to a head as a patient has actually run out of insurance support. I clearly think they need more time in the hospital but they don’t want to pay and yet they don’t seem to fully understand the ramifications of leaving. Well, I think they do but they don’t want to face the truth. I have faced the dauting task of helping them realize they are at this point. Despite spending literally hours with them in the last week and a half they told me I was just belittling them. Obviously that hurts. Rarely do doctors sit and discuss possibilities with patients for this length of time on multiple occasions. Yet, clearly I was not successful in either my mission to help them see the difficult road ahead or that I truly am worried about  the situation. My guess is that my delivery of reality is similar to what it was before I got sick and despite the fact I would love to think someone would believe me because of where I have been (nurses often tell my patients, and I wear protective masks,gloves and gown which is often not needed for the patient but needs explanation) It is a self centered thought.

I know given a different time in this patients journey I would have been looked at differently but timing and delivery play a big role together in a successful production. I took this lesson home tonight and smiled as I listened to Liam even as my ears rang a little bit. I guess occasionally just living in the glow of possibility is what we need to get through a tough moment. It is tough to think that way though after living through this last year and a half. I sometimes wonder in moments like this if I will ever just be able to see only the positive and believe whole heartedly everything just works out. Maybe it does and I am worried for not about a negative comment but the reality is I think I should be worried because I could do better. If I didn’t worry about helping each patient then I don’t think I would be doing my job.

Head Up, Heart Strong. I need a cure.


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